I will bess the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalm 34:1
The early morning darkness throughout the house.
The air conditioning kicks on and sends a cool breeze, chilling my bones.
The air. The darkness.
Too much a reflection of my present heart. A soul hurting.
I went to bed angry and frustrated. At no particular person and no particular situation. Everything is wrong, but nothing is wrong. But angry, frustrated, hurting, and crying nonetheless.
I cried out to my husband sitting near, “I am hopeless.”
And I awaken, not surprisingly, in the same state.
Cool air. Darkness.
“I could weep by the hour like a child, and yet I knew not what I wept for…The iron bolt . . . mysteriously fastens the door of hope and holds our spirits in gloomy prison.” – Charles Spurgeon
Part of me wants to stay here. A pity party of sorts in the depths of this depravity. There is a morbid comfort that meets me here, for I know that I am not alone in the trenches of mind-numbing, unexplainable depression or hopelessness. Many suffer too. I am not alone here.
Dani wants to play the glad game at the dinner table. Thank you Polyanna.
I am too distracted.
Dinner must be eaten. Dishes washed. Floors swept and mopped.
But if I am honest, I just don’t want to be glad.
I know the devastating affects that gladness can have.
“How I want to see the weight of glory break my thick scales, the weight of glory smash the chains of my desperate materialism, split the numbing shell of deadening entertainment, bust up the ice of catatonic hearts” – Ann VosKamp
But I cannot stay here.
I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a friend and a mentor.
But I am nothing to anyone if I allow the darkness to overwhelm me.
Sure, first world problems overwhelm my heart sometimes, and they just hurt. Sometimes physically hurt.
But my children, my marriage, my home… they will hurt more if I give up.
And so, once again, I cling to praise.
# 68. Stacks of painted paper and scribbles of butterflies and hand prints.
#69. The smell of fresh laundry warm from the dryer.
# 70. A new dress for a coming wedding.
“Praise is the key that releases God’s character back into even the ugliest of attitudes and darkest of situations.” – Lysa TerKeurst
And so I praise. I give thanks.
# 71. Blueberry and Mango Smoothies
# 72. A garage full of tools actually being used.
Putting one foot in front of the other.
# 73. Home repair projects.
# 74. Grilled cheese sandwiches.
# 75. My husband holding me tight in the night.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. Psalm 34:8a