You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13
Time for some total transparency. Really? On a public blog? Hey…I’ve already shared the details of a birthing story. Clearly I’m not too concerned about y’all knowing a few more intimate details about the struggles of my heart. So here goes…
I’m a working mom. Not by choice, but by circumstance. As life would have it right now, we find ourselves in a financial situation that requires I work full-time.
But here I am, after almost two months of maternity leave, preparing to go back to work tomorrow…
And all I can do is cry.
Now, this is where some might say, “Don’t get me wrong, I love my job.” But the truth of the matter is, I don’t love my job. My job is ok. My job is fun sometimes. My job is rewarding sometimes. My job pays the bills. But, I don’t LOVE my job.
I love my family. I love my home. I love waking up each morning to spend time in the Word without the rush and panic of trying to get ready for work. I love eating three meals a day with my children and watching them delight over simple treats that I have made. I love nursing Kaycee every three hours and staring deeply into her precious eyes. I love hanging out with my husband in the garage any time I want. And I love the freedom and time to engage with friends and women of God via the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study, times of prayer and fellowship, and via this blog.
But the time has come for me to go back to work, and all of this will change.
For the last many weeks I have been wrestling with hearing the voice of God and being obedient to his direction. And with the recent beginning of the #YestoGod study, I find myself facing this wrestling match even more. My greatest fear is that I will chose the wrong path and be living in disobedience to God.
Am I being obedient to God by going back to a job that he has provided?
Or am I being disobedient by not staying at home with my family?
I don’t have the answers to these questions. As much as I have tried to figure it out over the last many months, I don’t know the answers nor the direction I am to take. And so this morning, with a horrible ache in my heart, I surrender. As we find in Jeremiah 29:13, I commit to first and foremost, seeking the Lord with all of my heart.
The only way to know and trust God.. is to spend time with Him. When we invest in spending time alone with God, He will speak to us, and what we hear from Him in these quiet times will be echoed in other places. – Lysa TerKeurst, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God.
Father God, I want to see you. I want to know you. I want to hear your voice. And I want to live in complete surrender and obedience to you. You alone truly know the depths of my heart and my desires. You know the ache in my soul as I prepare to say goodbye to my children, my husband, and my home tomorrow morning. I know your promises are true, and when I seek you with all of my heart I will find you. As I seek you, reveal yourself to me, and bring clarity to the path of obedience.